Platform 9 and 3 14
by BellatrixRules
Summary: Lots and lots of one shots about people on the platform and on the train. I hope u find it funny not lame. Hope u love it. Rated T to be safe. I don't want three yr olds readin' my work. Go away three yr olds.
1. The beginning

A long time ago there was a bang. It is known as the Big Bang. It happened when a lot of gas and energy and blah blah blah (a lot of boring chemicals) exploded and the planets were formed (I think). And on those planets, millions of years later, some people were made. There were two types of people, magical people and un-magical people. Unfortunately even the magical people hadn't invented a language yet so they couldn't even say that there was no Hogwarts, no Kings Cross Station, and no Platform Nine and Three Quarters. There weren't even any trains. Well, that's sad.

**Ha ha. Hope u liked that. I'm gonna update. Sorry for the short chapter. It's not even a chapter. Oh well. **


	2. The cavemen

Once upon a time, a long time ago, there were cavemen. There were magical people and non-magical people. The non-magical people (more commonly known as Muggles) finally realised that some people in their tribes weren't the same as the rest, and then mini wars broke out among the people. But they had invented a little language (finally) and then the magic people went on to making some spells. When the war had finished, the magic people decided that they should make a school to make young witches and wizards learn the spells.

"Ugg ugg later ugg," said one caveman. "Make ugg ugg school ugg igg later ugg."

The other magical cavemen and cavewomen agreed.

Unfortunately, the magic people couldn't be bothered to make a school until the medieval times. And there weren't trains till the 18th or 19th century, so Platform Nine and Three Quarters wasn't made till ages later. . Well, boo hoo. That's sad.

Hope u liked it! REVIEW!


	3. Helena Ravenclaw

**(Finally, some proper people!) Oh, and by the way, in the 10****th**** Century in Britain, did they speak Latin?**

Helena Ravenclaw and her admirer the Bloody Baron walked around the area where Kings Cross Station was supposed to be.

"Where's Kings Cross Station?" howled Helena.

"Will you marry me?" asked the baron.

"Where's Kings Cross Station?" growled Helena.

"Will you marry me?" enquired the baron.

"No," Helena scowled.

"Oh," the Bloody Baron said.

"Do you know where Kings Cross Station is?!" snapped Helena angrily.

"I've never heard of such a place," mumbled the Baron meekly.

"Course you have, silly. Haven't you been to Hogwarts?" sneered Helena.

"Yes. I was a Slytherin," the Baron replied timidly.

"You shuda bin a Ravenclaw. Why didn't Mum choose you? You're not clever enough?" Helena sneered.

"Oh," the Baron said quietly.

"Anyways, do you know where Kings Cross is?" Helena asked.

"No. I don't even think that it was ever built," Bloody Baron replied.

"Course it has," said Helena angrily.

Helena isn't as clever as she thought she was! Ha ha.


	4. Dumbledore

Albus Dumbledore looked around Kings Cross Station. He had never gone onto a train and was excited. But where was Platform Nine and Three Quarters? He caught the sight of a cart carrying a large trunk and a snowy owl and it was being pulled by a servant in a posh suit. Behind the servant and the trolley was a snobbish boy who was holding his mother's hand.

"Excuse me-" Albus mumbled to the servant.

"Mother, look at the state of that boy's clothes! And his hair! Do you work in a factory, boy?" the snob said scornfully.

"Excuse me, but I don't work in a factory," Albus said. The snob boy looked startled. "I'm Albus Dumbledore and I'm going to Hogwarts too."

Albus held out his hand, but the snob jumped back. "Dumbledore? Your father is that prisoner in Askaban, isn't he? That horrible Muggle hating freak? I'm not shaking hands with a criminal's son!"

The snob walked away and he disappeared as he walked into a wall. Albus followed him anxiously and he found himself in a busy platform of shouting parents. He quickly jumped into the train. It was moving.

Albus found himself a seat in an empty compartment and thought of his abnormally changed sister Arianna and his bossy younger brother Aberforth. He thought of his dead dad and his mum, who had to look after his mental sister and could not find the time to say goodbye as Albus left for Hogwarts. He thought of home in Godric's Hollow. After a while, Dumbledore fell asleep.

His Dream

He was sleeping in the train in the exact same compartment when he woke up. A boy with long black hair and a girl with auburn hair had entered.

"Hello, and I'm Severus Snape and she's Lily Evans. Can we sit here?" the boy said.

Confused, Dumbledore said, "Yes. Course you can."

The girl smiled. "Hey look! The food lady has come!" she exclaimed.

"I didn't know there's a food lady," Albus mumbled because he really didn't know that. "Anyway, you're both wearing weird clothes- no offence."

"Er, well no offence but I think you're wearing extremely old fashioned clothes," sneered Snape.

Lily came back with her arms full of chocolate and sweets. "Yum," she said, dropping the pile on the table.

Albus picked up a cardboard pack. "What's this?"

Snape laughed. "It's a Chocolate Frog Card. Open it."

Albus did and he had the shock of a lifetime. He stared at it, startled and his mouth was left wide open.

It said, _"Considered by many the greatest wizard of modern times, Dumbledore is particularly famous for his defeat of the Dark Wizard Grindelwald in 1945, for the discovery of the twelve uses of dragons' blood, and his work on alchemy with his partner, Nicolas Flamel. Professor Dumbeldore enjoys chamber music and ten-pin bowling."_

Snape grabbed it and read it. "Albus Dumbledore. Haven't you heard of him? If you haven't, you must have been living under a rock your whole life! Come on, he has Order of Merlin, First Class. You must have heard of him!"

"My- my name is Albus Dumbledore," he choked. He grabbed the card back and studied the picture. It was an old man in purple robes. He had the same eyes and the same face and expression as young Albus.

He read the description of Albus Dumbledore again. "What's ten pin bowling?" he asked Lily.

She laughed. "You're a funny boy, aren't you? It's the new Muggle thing to do, nowadays!"

"I live in the Muggle side of Godric's hollow," he said shakily. "I've never heard of ten pin bowling."

She laughed again. "Come on, course you have. It's the year 1971!"

But it wasn't the year 1971. Then he realised what was happening. He was dreaming. "You're from the future! And you're from a different chapter! Go back to your own chapter! This is my chapter! All about me!" he shouted.

Then people from different chapters jumped out at him.

"Hello, I'm Fred," said a small red haired boy.

"And I'm George," said an identical boy and winked.

"Well, I'm Angelina Johnson," a girl said.

Then a little eleven year old girl ran up to him shouting, "Help! My compartment's on fire! I'm Minerva McGonagall! Please help me!"

Two boys were sitting in the same compartment as Albus.

"I'm Ron. Ron Weasley," the red haired boy said.

"I'm Harry. Harry Potter," the other boy said and Albus watched Ron's face.

Then an enormous boy appeared next to Albus. "Boo hoo," he sobbed. "Daddy died! I want to see Grawp!" Then he looked up at Albus. "What's your name? I'm Rubeus Hagrid!"

A boy in a cloak was muttering excitedly, "I'm a wizard! I'm a wizard! Tom Riddle the wizard!"

"Go away!" Dumbledore roared. "This is my chapter! Go away to your own chapters! Have the patience to wait till your go! It's my chapter, you stinking losers!"

Then he properly woke up. He sat up, and wondered if these visions were true. If they were, he swore, he would never sign up for Divination.

He stood up. He was sick being alone in the compartment and decided to go and explore the train. As soon as he got out of the compartment, he heard whispering.

"That ruddy first year," a girl with a mop of bright red hair hissed. "That ruddy little boy has –urgh- green skin. And ain't goin' in there. And there ain't any other empty compartments. It's not fair, I tell you."

"The end compartment's free," Dumbledore offered hopefully, hoping the girl and her pals might join him.

"Ruddy no," the girl shrieked. "That ruddy criminal's ruddy son's sittin' there, Samuel says."

"Who's Samuel?" Albus asked.

"Sammy boy said that he met Dumbly on his way into the Platform – said he was a ruddy stinkin' beggar, wearin' rags and a ruddy cap and he spoke like he was born on the streets."

"I was born in a house, thanks very much," Albus protested angrily.

"OH, you're Al Dumbly then…" the girl smirked. "I ain't standing next to a ruddy Muggle hater coz me mum and dad and me whole family are Muggles and you might murder- OW!"

Al had pulled out his wand and yelled the first spell that came to his mind: _Expelliarmus_. He heard the girl scream as she was knocked over and the piece of paper in her hand disappeared and her friends rushed over. The girl glowered at Al fiercely and he shrunk back.

"Ruddy boy," she mumbled. "What ruddy house are you? I'll take ruddy house points away if you do that again! I'm a prefect. I'm a Ravenclaw prefect."

Al gulped. "Sorry. I'm a first year and I haven't been sorted," Al mumbled.

The girl was astonished. "I didn't learn that spell till ruddy last year. Who ruddy taught it to you? Your ruddy father?"

Albus shook his head. "I taught it to myself," he mumbled.

"Goody good. Er- did you say the ruddy compartment's free?" she asked.

"Yup, coz I'm not going in there," Albus grumbled.

The girl and her pals pushed and shoved through the corridor, while Albus squeezed the ill student's compartment door open. Did the girl say that this boy was a first year? Albus sat on a seat opposite to the boy.

"Hello," croaked the boy turning his green face towards Albus.

"Hello," Albus said pleasantly.

The boy grumbled, " No one wants ter sit wiv me."

"Er… my name's Albert Dumble," Albus said, careful not to say his real name in case the boy didn't want to sit with him as his father was an Askaban prisoner.

"Well, Albert, my name's Elphias Doge," the boy said, sitting up, grumpily.

"Nice to meet you, Elphias," Dumbledore said, quietly.

Elphias smiled. "Brilliant hair, yuv got, buddy," he grinned, glancing up at Albus's auburn hair.

"Thanks… hey, we're slowing down," Albus said.

"Then that means we're there," Elphias said.

Albus smiled. "Come on," he said, pulling Elphias along with him. He had a friend! They got off the train hurriedly and Al crashed right into a man.

"That's the old gamekeeper, Albert," whispered Elphias.

Albus nodded and marched off with the gamekeeper, the other first years and Elphias.

"Hey, Elfie," said Albus to Elphias. "Can I sit in the same boat as you?"

Elfie nodded. They rowed towards the castle quickly and they followed the gamekeeper. They were squashed into a small room and they all were excited.

"Where are we goin'?" asked Al nervously.

Elfie smiled. "We're gonna be sorted. Then we'll eat."

Dumbledore grinned. "I'm starvin'."

"So am I," Elfie smiled. "What house do you wanna be sorted into?"

"Whatever you're in," Al said seriously.

"Whatever you're in," Elfie agreed.

"Gryffindor," Dumbledore said after a moment's thought.

"Oh yeah, definitely," Elfie agreed. "Or Hufflepuff. That's also quite cool."

"Yeah," Dumbledore agreed. "All of them are fine except for Slytherin."

"Ya," Elfie said before a big fat figure entered the room.

"Hello, girls and boys," the man said. "My name is Professor Dippet, deputy head of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Welcome."

The two boys grinned, and, in a long line of children, they entered the Great Hall.

"Wow," Elfie said loudly.

The ceiling was of clouds moving gracefully across. Dumbledore was amazed. He stared at it, dumbstruck and he whispered, "Wow," to Elfie, who sniggered.

"Welcome, welcome," said the headmaster to the first years as they entered. "Now it's the sorting."

Professor Dippet called out a long list of students. Finally he took a deep breath before saying, "Dumbledore, Albus."

This was followed by a lot of whispering that his father had died in the wizard prison Askaban. Dumbledore was uncomfortable as he glided along in his school robes to the old wooden stool.

As soon as the Sorting Hat was dumped onto young Dumbledore's head, the hat shrieked, "Gryffindor!" and that was followed by lukewarm clapping from the Gryffindor table.

When Al had seated himself, Professor Dippet called, "Doge, Elphias." There was a lot of sniggering from the pupils because of his green face.

"Hmm… hard one," the hat murmured. "Hufflepuff –no, that doesn't seem right. No, not at all."

There was literally a five minute silent wait before the Sorting Hat shouted, "Gryffindor!"

Elfie smiled faintly at Dumby until he sat down beside him. "Why didn't you tell me your real name?" he asked.

"I thought that you might not wanna be buddies wiv me if you knew my father died in Askaban," Al mumbled, downheartedly.

"It don't matter about your family," Elfie said hugging Albus tightly.

Albus smiled. "Do you mean it?" he asked.

"Yeah I mean it!" Elfie laughed.

**Sorry about the really smoochy ending. Hope u liked it. REVIEW!**


	5. Old Sluggy

Horace Slughorn's mother led him to the brick wall of Platform Nine and Three Quarters.

"Be good, Horace," she said sternly. "Don't eat too much. And don't be a Hufflepuff. Your father was one and he's a total idiot. Be a Slytherin, like me, Horace. Horace, are you listening? Be a good little boy, Horace."

"Yes, Mother," Horace said meekly.

"And when you do eat," she said, "don't you dare use your fingers. And clean your mouth afterwards, Horace."

"Yes Mother," Horace replied.

"Well, goodbye, Horace," she said. "Oh, you have to walk through the wall, Horace."

She walked away to leave poor Horace standing, trembling, in front of the red brick wall. He tried to walk through the wall. He tried walking through normally, but he could only feel the hard brick against his skin. He tried again and again, but it still didn't work. In the end, when he was furiously trying to push himself through, he poked his head in the wall, and he could see the busy platform with wizards and witches calling out to their kids. He could also stick in his hands and legs.

There was a large teenage boy behind him and he was angry. "You're too fat to get through, kiddo," he snarled. Horace blushed.

"And," the boy smirked, "if you're too fat, you have to go in SIDEWAYS."

Then the teenage boy ran into the wall and disappeared. Horace walked in sideways, his luggage in front of him. He gleefully giggled, then realised that he was half-way into the wall and the other half of him was on the Muggle part of Kings Cross. Then he panicked and started to wail.

The guard turned to face him. "What the hell is going on?" he cried and fainted. Slughorn shoved himself inside the wall quickly. He found himself standing in Platform Nine and Three Quarters. He got onto the train quickly and tried to run down the aisle in the train but got stuck. He decided he would just have to walk sideways full time now.

He shuffled into a compartment where a young boy was sitting by himself. Without asking whether he could sit there, Horace sat down and looked at the table.

"Are these yours?" Horace asked, pointing to some sweets.

"Yeah they are," the boy said. "You can eat them. I'm sick of sweets."

Horace gasped at the thought of being sick of sweets but he immediately grabbed a handful, tore their wrappers off and shoved them down his throat.

"Ah…lovely. What's your name?" Horace murmured.

"Who cares about names?" the boy sneered.

"Well, I'm Horace," said Horace meekly.

"Ah," the boy said. "Anyways, I hate this stuff. Have it."

It seemed to Horace that the boy opposite him hated all food, but he tore off the tin and peered inside. They were sweets

"What's that?" asked Slughorn, smelling the delicious, lovely, gorgeous, wonderful smell of…it.

"Oh, that," the boy said. "Haven't you had crystallised pineapple before? It's a type of sweet, sold in Honeydukes, that new sweetshop that's literally just opened, in Hogsmeade. Yuck."

Slughorn put one in his mouth. It was wonderful, and an explosion of colours burst in his mouth… ah, lovely.

"Yum," he said brightly when he had sucked it all.

The boy glared at him. "Keep them, if you like them so much," he sneered, and then his face broke into a wide smile. "I've been trying to find someone to give them to. My entire family despises them."

He looked at Slughorn again. "If you really want to know," he continued, "I'm Charlus Potter."

"Oh," Horace said, munching on more crystallised pineapples.

"Anyways," Charlus continued. "I'm a first year and I expect you are too... what house do you wanna be in?"

"Er…" Slughorn mumbled. He thought of his mum screaming at him. "…Slytherin."

"Slytherin?" Charlus shrieked, laughing. "I'd rather be Gryffindor… Gryffindor, where dwell the brave at heart!"

"Hey!" Slughorn suddenly said angrily. "That's James Potter's lines! You're not supposed to steal!"

"Whoops… my script's gone weird… help! The pages are turning to the Marauders scene!" screamed Charlus.

Slughorn tapped the script with his wand. "There, it's fine now," he said.

"Right, let's just CARRY ON WITH THE STORY, PEOPLE!" shouted Charlus. "And anyway, who cares if I steal a few of my dear son James's lines?"

"He hasn't even been born yet?" Horace argued.

"Seriously," Charlus said, "I just wanted to make it more… you know… dramatic…? I don't want to say boring old: Gryffindor, which is the best! I mean, come on…"

"SHUT IT!" snapped Horace. "ON WITH THE STORY! And, let's go from my line: "Er… Slytherin," OK?"

"Ok," Charlus said grumpily.

"Er…" Slughorn mumbled. He thought of his mum screaming at him. "…Slytherin."

"Slytherin?" Charlus shrieked, laughing. "I'd rather be Gryffindor… GRYFFINDOR, WHICH IS THE BEST! _Happy now?_"

"Very," Horace said wisely. "Carry on."

"Hey, look, we're nearly there!" Charlus cheered. "We're slowing!"

He was right. The train slowed down and they were in Hogsmeade station.

"First years this way!" shouted a very weak and old voice.

"He won't last much longer," whispered Charlus. "They'll have to find a new gamekeeper for Hogwarts."

Horace nodded. They followed the very old man, out of Hogsmeade station, and onto the boats.

"Wahoo!" shouted Horace as they rowed the wooden boats into the middle of the lake.

"Wait... we're sinking!" shouted Charlus behind Horace.

"What the hell?" screamed Horace.

The gamekeeper stared at them from his boat. "That only happens when there are three people on the boat, kids, so one of you get off," he squealed.

"What the hell? There's only two of us on here..." Charlus roared.

"One of you still get out!" squeaked the gamekeeper.

Horace Slughorn anxiously crept out of the boat into the water. The boat was perfectly fine.

"Dear dear," the gamekeeper said to the others. "I've never seen such a heavy boy. He must have been too heavy for the boat."

"HEY FATTY!" a girl screamed. "NEARLY THERE!"

The others sniggered.

Then Horace saw the mermaids. Unfortunately, mermaids have a habit of pulling people under the cold water and not letting them go.

"HEY look!" sang one of the mermaids. "A person! We're quite out of practice so can we..."

The others peered at the gasping boy with interest. "He's too heavy; he'll sink to the bottom anyway. What's the point of drowning him?" sang another. The others agreed and they all swam away, leaving Old Sluggy alone, sinking to the bottom of the lake.

"Help! Help! I promise I'll go on a diet! Please!" screamed old Sluggy.

Then he saw the Giant Squid.

"Nooooooooo! Don't eat me!" screamed Horace, thrashing in the water.

"Hey, dude," the Giant Squid said. "I have NEVER seen a PERSON the same size as me. Wanna go out for a date?"

Sluggy screamed and paddled to the side of the lake. He had never been so panicked in his life. Dizzily, he tried to find the rest of the first years. When he saw them, he hugged Charlus.

"Hey dude that was so funny," Charlus laughed. "Let's go in."

They entered a room behind the Great Hall and everyone waited nervously for the Deputy head to come. Finally, he came along.

"My name is Professor Dippet, Deputy Head of Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. You shall be sorted into houses: Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin. Now you will come."

The first years nervously lined up and followed Dippet into the Great Hall. There was a wooden stool with an old hat. Slughorn looked at the staff table. There were about ten wizards and witches in total, one of which caught his eye: a man with auburn hair.

"That's Professor Dumbledore, over there," Charlus whispered, pointing at the auburn haired wizard. "My brothers and sisters have all told me about him. He's pretty much the nicest Transfiguration professor you could get in the world."

"Slughorn, Horace," called Dippet. Horace hadn't really been paying attention to the other kids. He had been gazing at Dumbledore. Then he realized it. HE WAS GAY. HE WAS IN LOVE WITH HIS TRANSFIGURATION TEACHER.

Old Sluggy nearly puked as he staggered to the stool. He sat down, but the stool broke."Oh, well, you'll have to do it on the floor," Dippet whispered to him. "You're a bit too fat and heavy, that's all, kiddo."

As the hat touched his head, it screamed, "Slytherin!"

Horace smirked at Chartlus as he sat down at the Slytherin table.

"Potter, Charlus!" shouted Dippet.

Charlus strode over to the stool (or where it had been) and the hat was put onto his head.

"… I think Gryffindor would suit him very well… GRYFFINDOR!" shouted the hat.

Everyone clapped and Charlus smirked at Horace as HE sat down.

**Guys and girls, if ure wondering who the hell Charlus is, he is a possible dad of James Potter, so ya. HOPE U LIKED IT! AND I'M JUST SAYIN' _HP_ RULES!  
**

**REVIEW!**


	6. Tom Riddle

**Since Tom Riddle is a really boring guy, I'll cut this chapter shorter.**

"Avada Kedavra!" Tom yelled as soon as he got onto Platform Nine and Three Quarters.

"Crucio!"

"Imperio!"

Tom grinned as he stepped onto the train with his luggage. He glanced at the dead people, the very confused people and the people crying in pain. He bumped into a girl with dark hair.

"What's going on? Did you do that?" she exclaimed.

"Well," Tom said, "I was trying out some spells. Don't blame me."

He glared at the dead people. "I didn't do too much damage. And even if I did… oh well. I thought this school was for learning spells?"

He smiled sweetly at the girl. "And anyway, I only damaged three hundred people out of seven billion."

THE END

**Guys and girls, i would be the happiest person on earth if you REVIEWED on this story! Right now ive got one review from Vul (thanks tons). YAY this is my third story!  
**

**From Candice, _BellatrixRules_  
**


	7. Wanna be my boyfriend?

An extremely big third year boy and a small moody second year girl with an ugly face and ugly glasses walked through to wall.

"I told you, Myrtle, stop followin' me," demanded the enormous boy.

"Everyone's so mean to me!" sobbed Myrtle. "I want to be friends with you, Rubeus, since we're very similar; people bully me and you!"

"Go away!" growled Hagrid. "Yeah righ', _very _similar, I'm big, yer small, I have a lou' voice, yer voice is so quiet I can' hear yer… yer hate monsters, I love 'em…"

Myrtle sniffed. "Let's get onto the train."

"Alright, we'll get onto the ruddy train," Hagrid agreed.

They moved into the train quickly. They sat in a compartment where a large tall handsome dark-haired boy was sitting.

"Hello, Rubeus and er… who's that hag?" Tom Riddle said pleasantly.

Myrtle burst into tears. "I'm NOT a hag!"

"Alright, alright," Tom said quietly. "I have some business to do with Rubeus, stupid hag. Get lost."

With a lazy flick of the wand, Tom sent Myrtle out of the compartment. "Now, Rubeus Hagrid," he said solemnly, "Although I am very embarrassed, it appears that- that I have fallen in love. With you."

Hagrid gasped. "You're joking!"

"This has been going on for years, Rubeus," Tom said quietly. "And if you do not become my permanent boyfriend, I've discovered this secret tunnel underground… I wonder if you idiot has heard of the Chamber of Secrets... I'll open the chamber and, ah, the castle will be cleaned of any filth…"

"Well," hagrid said sarcastically. "I've never 'eard of a cleaning chamber. How scary that will be."

"Shut up, oh bullshit…" Tom mumbled. "And anyway, if you're not scared of CLEANING CHAMBERS I'll become a dark wizard… ah, yes. If you don't become my boyfriend, I'll become a dark wizard."

"Yer wouldn'," Hagrid breathed.

"Yes I would Haggy Hagrid," replied Tom.

"Shut up," said Hagrid crossly. "And, no, Tom, I don' wanna be yer boyfrien'."

"NO?" asked Tom furiously.

"Yeah, I'm sayin' no to yer offer," Hagrid confirmed. "I don' wanna be gay, thanks very much. And I wouldn' be wiv yer if yer were a girl."

"Well, the CLEANING CHAMBER is gonna open," Tom said stiffly.

"That'll scare me. I'm twice yer size and two years older than yer," Hagrid said grinning.

"Well then bye. And frankly enough I think the CLEANING CHAMBER will scare you and do you lots of damage," Tom said stiffly.

"Righ'," Hagrid said as the compartment door slammed shut.

**My theory of why Voldy became evil is that he was in love with Hagrid but hagrid declined his offer of being boyfriend and boyfriend and he was so angry he turned dark. The reason he 'could not love' was because the only person he loved was Hagrid.**

**REVIEW OR ELSE!**


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